It’s easy to get stuck in our usual routines and to forget to freshen up the way we pleasure our partners. But while spicing things up in the bedroom is important, it isn’t always easy. Pleasing our partners takes practice. Luckily, Whole Foods has a sale on its organic zucchinis this week and practice makes perfect. Here are three blowjob techniques that will drive your man so wild, he’ll say, “Oh, so thaaaaat’s why we had so many zucchinis in the fridge.”
The Ice-Skater
With this technique, your man can be in a Winter Wonderland all year round. Use your tongue and lips to draw figure eights up and down his shaft – you know, like a figure skater! Figuring out how to coordinate the curvy movement of your mouth will definitely require some veggie practice sessions. It’s not like putting your mouth on a dick just naturally feels good! It will be so worth it when these repeating circular motions unlock a level of pleasure your man never even knew was possible. Plus, after he cums, he’ll say, “So I guess we’re not actually grilling zucchinis tonight? Cool.” Success!
The Tunnel
This one’s a little dangerous! Create a tunnel with your teeth, but use your upper lip and tongue as bumpers to create a sexy, wet tunnel. It’s important to get the delicate balance of lips and teeth just right, or else you risk hurting your man’s rod. Sounds like a job for some produce, right?! Seeing how much your mouth tunnel pleases your man should be payoff enough. But if you need even more proof that practice makes perfect, just listen to him ask, “Ohhhh, so should we put zucchinis back on the shopping list? I’m not really sure what’s going on.”
The Spiderman
Lie on your back with your head hanging off the edge of the bed, and then have your man lean forward over you. This position is great because your man will finally get to fulfill his fantasy of you blowing him while upside down – you know, like in the comics! Of course, you will need some prep time with your cukes and zukes to get used to this new blowjob angle. But that’s obviously time well-spent because, as your man is literally exploding with ecstasy and is on the brink of nirvana, he’ll shout, “Wait, were those the same zucchinis that you used in the ratatouille? That’s kind of fucked up.” Yes they were, baby. Yes they were.
Sometimes we need a little help to make sure our bedroom performance is in top shape. Try any of these techniques to make your man say, “I didn’t know you used the zucchinis for that. Huh.” And don’t miss next week’s sale at Whole Foods: spaghetti squash!
