Earlier this week, Boston resident Tessa James reached the age where she can sleep with consenting adults of literally any age and it’s pretty much fine. This age, Tessa revealed after her fourth drink at happy hour, is 28.
As a 28-year-old, Tessa is old enough to be considered a mature adult capable of making her own decisions, yet also young enough to pull off sleeping with a college student without seeming like an absolute predator. This is a superpower Tessa has only recently matured into, unmatched by anyone except for all other 28-year-olds.
Initially, Tessa wasn’t excited about turning 28, an age which she has previously described as “basically 30, which is basically 50, which is basically dead.” However, the fourth-year medical student appeared to have a change of heart after enjoying her third cocktail yesterday evening. She now rejoices in entering what she calls, “The most erogenous zone of life.”
However, Tessa did concede that she will only wield her unchecked sexual passport for a finite amount of time.
“If a 29-year-old fucks an 18-year-old…yikes,” says Tessa. “But if I wanted to? It’d be like, ‘Eh, same decade.’”
At the time of print, Tessa has only slept with men born between 1987 and 1990, and that probably won’t change.
“But like, I could go younger or older,” says Tessa.
Tessa’s notions are far from unfounded. Dr. Dale McIntosh of the University of Pennsylvania confirmed in a 2011 study that 28-year-olds can take their pick from the sexual smorgasbord and it’s totally cool.
“It’s that sweet age, one glorious year of fuck, one golden era of unchecked bone-o-rama where anything’s possible,” reports Dr. McIntosh.
Tessa has been totally reenergized by this newfangled sexual liberation. “I could get in a time machine, go back to 1667 and fuck a blacksmith in the Massachusetts Bay Colony, come back, and it’d be like, totally fine,” explains Tessa, in what appeared to be a confession of a long-held sexual fantasy rather than having anything to do with being 28.
Even though Tessa will probably continue sleeping with mediocre guys in her med school class, she continues to tell her equally drunk friends she could go on a no-holds-barred sexual walkabout if she so chooses.