Sending a text to your crush is one of the most daunting tasks endured by womankind. And, just as a thesis for PhD candidacy must be peer-reviewed, so must your text to the future love of your life. There’s no room for error, because, as everyone knows, the first step to every great relationship is telling your man exactly what he wants to hear. Here are the people in your life you’ll want to run that text by when your heart and mind just won’t cut it.
Your Best Friend
Uh, duh! Show the text to your best friend. She’s sure to give you some solid advice about what your crush will think. Especially since she had a crush on him last year, but ended up getting rejected. She’ll definitely be the objective pair of eyes you need.
His Best Friend
You know how guys can be—they love their bros almost as much as they love chicken wings! Your man’s best friend will definitely know what he would want to see in a confession of your love. Guys talk about that stuff all the time! Try to ignore any sports metaphors, and if he says something like “I don’t think you’re really his type”… ignore that! What the fuck does he know about love?! You’ll become his type!
His Dog
They don’t call them man’s best friend for nothing. They call them man’s best friend because they’re the perfect animals to look over a text to your crush before you send it. A dog knows what his master wants, but maybe don’t write anything about licking peanut butter off his fingers, no matter how much Scruffy insists he loves it. And remember: If you suspect he loves his dog more than you, it’s okay to let it off its leash in a park after you’ve spoken.
His Priest
Not only is his priest in touch with your future husband’s spirituality, but he also has the Good Lord on his side—and now your side. Sure, you’re Jewish and he’s Christian, but you’re not as married to your religion as you want to be to him. Amen.
His Urologist
When sending a text to your crush, you not only have to think about what he wants to see, but also what his penis wants to see. And if there’s one man who will know what your crush’s penis wants, it’s his penis’ doctor. Plus, you can find out if he has herpes. Not that it matters—you’re in love!
His Ex-Girlfriend
Your text has to have the intimacy of someone who knows everything about your crush, the good and the bad. His ex-girlfriend will tell you which topics to stay away from, like how he can’t get it up after a few drinks (reminding him that you’d love him in spite of that is probably a little much for this initial text message). Just remember not to get too wrapped up in her disdain for him. You need to be the person she couldn’t be.
His Current Girlfriend
This can be a touchy one, but how are you supposed to write a message to steal him away from his girlfriend without the input of his girlfriend?
His Mom
Of course it’s important to speak with the woman who loves him more than anyone (except you, of course). Mother knows best when it comes to most things, including her son’s sex life. Instead of showing him the real you, just act like his mother! Guys are into that. Your future mother-in-law will know just what your text needs to make it delightfully Oedipal.
Doug Ellin, the Creator of Entourage
There is no one on Planet Earth who knows more about nabbing pussy than your man’s number one idol, the creator of Entourage. And since you want your pussy nabbed, it stands to reason that this man will know exactly what you should say in your text. Whether it’s a boob job, blonde hair, or a boob job, you must heed Doug’s advice. No one knows more about what guys wish girls were like than the creator of Entourage, bro.
Him
Take the guesswork out of it! If you want your crush to like your text, show him your text! That way, you can mold yourself into exactly the woman he wants you to be (unless it’s the kind of woman who wouldn’t freak out over sending a text). You don’t need a personality of your own; you’re killing it!
You now have the absolute perfect text to send your crush. Remember that all of this input is valuable, and to use all of it in your message, even if it’s contradictory. Ultimately, your message should look something like this: “Hi, yo, woof, praise God, use a condom you cheating bastard. I love you so much, bro. Turtle says remember to wear clean underwear! I think you’re so incredibly hot, but I also recognize that you’re unattainable for me.” Now, who could say no to that? Happy texting!
