A note on my unexplained hiatus: do NOT try any Harriet-the-Spy shenanigans up at Cliffside Malibu – those Nurse Ratcheds are no muhfug joke. After LiLo bounced out of Betty Ford and opted for Cliffside, I thought it’d be the perfect plan to beat Oprah to the exclusive. I popped a Nalgene full of Turning Leaf and GHB in my Goyard tote and ran into the Cliffside lobby screaming about the occult. Honey, they called the LAPD faster than LiLo will steal your fur. Luckily, I’ve been writing down my column on a maxi-pad my tranny cellmate, Rubia, gave me:
IN: Elizabeth Glennbeck is Leaving The View, Joining Fox & Friends
My goal in life is to make a paycheck for doing nothing. Sadly, I’m not Brody Jenner. But Libby Hasselbeck, the Designer Imposters version of Kelly Ripa, is getting dangerously close to my dream job. She no longer has to memorize her GOP talking points and argue them with the Democrat lesbian(s) on The View. Now she just has to read them off a teleprompter or nod knowingly when Republican leaders espouse them at 6am. I can’t wait to watch her plug her G-Free Diet book during a segment on Syria.
OUT: Justin Bieber Gay-for-Pay Watersports Video Goes Viral
Multi-millionaire twink, Justin Bieber, doesn’t understand how life works. The barely legal pop star was caught on video letting some old ass Daddy Warbucks watch him piss in a dirty stairwell. Justin, that’s not being a bad ass – it’s how half the chorus boys in Kinky Boots pay their rent. I mean, you don’t see Miley twerking like a cheap stripper in Reno… Well, never mind.
IN: BET Awards
Hot performances and awesome fashion? Can we have multiple BET Awards per year instead of 1,000 gross country music award shows?
OUT: Mariah Carey Tweets Photo of Dislocated Shoulder
I’ve had it with you, Münchausen Mimi. If you did fall off a platform on your music video, my Condoleezas – but no one expects your Boniva britches to start Cirque du Soleil-ing in your videos. Just stand there and sing. Go back to throwing shade at Nicki. It’s a much better way of getting attention.
IN: Avril Lavigne Marries Chad Kroeger In Cannes
This is suh great. Not that I have any love for these early 2000s music “stars” who now play exclusively at Rock n’ Bowl nights across the Midwest. It’s great because it means that if they can each find love, anyone can. Like, effing anyone. And if they are allowed to get married in Cannes?!?! Well consider the destination picked for my wedding (I’ve been banned from most wedding venues), bitchezz!
OUT: Alec Baldwin’s Homophobic Tweet
Alec Baldwin, when you finally come out, I’m here for you girl. Loved you in The Flintstones movie.
IN: Alicia Silverstone Shares Breast Milk with Other Moms
Sharing your titty juice with other moms so that their children might have a shot at otherworldly blonde locks and a teenage make out sesh with Paul Rudd. Charitable and Kinky. Love.
OUT: Beyonce Spotted at Target:
This bitch was caught rummaging through the one spot. Don’t get me wrong – loves me some Target – they sell Paul Mitchell sculpting pomade, but how much is Blue wiping you out that Jay is making you buy his Hanes tees at Tar-jay?
IN: Beyonce Still Singing While her Weave Gets Stuck in a Fan.
I’ve already forgotten about the Target incident. You. Better. Effing. Work.
OUT: Geraldo Rivera Posts Semi-Nude Pic On Twitter
This ain’t no Grindr, Geraldo, and even if it were, I’d hide your shit faster than you could tweet, “do me Jay plzzzzzz” (happens all the time). Even that little bird from Twitter was all, “ew, this is worse than Amanda Bynes’ weaves.” Don’t.