When you’re two cat purchases away from dying alone, there’s no time for delay: that questionable guy on your subway commute is the next stop on your empty love train. He has Y-chromosomes and he’s touching you—this is it! We’ll tell you what that surprise titty-brush really says about his sincere personality and true intentions so you don’t miss out. Don’t kiss your dying eggs goodbye just yet!
 

The Guy Who Jacks Off Under an Oversized Gym Bag

Usually baggage is our #1 no-no, but this guy is just too good to be true. Not only is he smart enough to cut a glory hole into his tuggin’ bag, but he makes direct eye contact, so you know he’s definitely thinking of you. If you feel something wet on your knee, that’s not his big ass bag, it’s his jizzy hand, and that’s a cue that this heartfelt hottie is feeling you. Don’t worry, he’s in the bag! (Semen is too!)
 

The Guy Who Secretly Snaps Pictures of Your Vag, Grabs Your Butt, and Runs

You don’t even know what this guy looks like, because he just hit-and-run grabbed your booty on a crowded subway car. Maybe he hoped you wouldn’t be able to pick him out of a lineup, or maybe he’s just shy. He’s super mysterious with really nimble hands; you never even saw him snap that up the skirt pic! Making angry eye contact with everyone on your car in an effort to track down this guy is 100 percent worth it—if you’re into the elusive artistic type.
 

 

The Guy Who Just Threw Up On You

He could’ve barfed on anyone and he chose you! When this queasy cutie grabs your left boob upon slipping in his own vomit, it’s no accident—he’s keeping himself close to your heart. When he grabs the other one not out of necessity, it means he’s completely love sick. He’s a true darling and will always put you and your boobs first. If you like a guy who wears his heart on his sleeves, this one’s for you.
 

The Guy Who Smiles Sweetly and Nods Hello

This guy waltzes around the subway in his finely tailored Jack Spade, but he doesn’t even try to grope you, doesn’t even give you a weird smile. What a jerk! Unless you want to end up at a nice Italian restaurant in the Village, engaged in friendly conversation over a glass of Merlot, when this guy gives you a genuine hello—PUT IN THOSE HEADPHONES!