8 Sex Positions That Will Blow His Mind And Destroy His Penis

Sometimes you want to make love. And sometimes, you just want to destroy your man’s penis. Check out the eight sex positions below that’ll be sure to rock his cock off.

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1. The Flip-it-and-reverse-it Corkscrew

Have your man lie on his back and mount him reverse-cowgirl style, facing his feet. Then go into a mini-backbend with the back of your head towards his face. Now grind into him like your trying to free a cork out of wine bottle with a broken corkscrew. The painful grip is sure to destroy his penis.

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2. The One-Two Punch

This one’s not so much a sex position as it is an intimate way to relieve stress. After a long day of work, come home, light some candles, put on your favorite tunes, then punch your man in the dick. This will definitely take him by surprise, and you will most certainly destroy his penis.

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3. Under the Bleachers

Not ready for home base? There are plenty of ways to satisfy your man without going all the way. Consider giving him a hand-job and never stopping ever. His penis will be ruined.

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4. Icy-Hot

Playing with temperatures is an easy and fun way to spice things up in the bedroom. An ice cube on his penis will feel amazing. Dry ice on his penis will burn off the skin. Consider that penis destroyed!

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5. The Raspberry Beret

Lots of men will tell you, they like it when you “go in through the out door.” So next time you get frisky, consider sticking a pinky in your mans’ anus. To increase stimulation, have your man lie down on a cement floor, effectively mashing his erection into the ground. Penis: obliterated.

 

 

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6. The Pretzel

Have your man sit in a chair. Sit in his lap and drape your legs over his shoulders. Cross your feet. Then have him twist his legs around each other in a figure-eight. Have him bend them underneath the chair and behind his back. Tie the penis in a knot. Penis: destroyed.

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7. Choke The Snake

Tie his wrists to your bedposts using his neckties. That’s right, 50 Shades of Grey style! Then grab some fishing line and tie it tightly around his penis (about two inches from the tip.) Then leave the room for a solid hour. When you get back, his penis will likely be destroyed.

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8. The 69 Surprise

For those who love a good throwback to the sixties, get into the traditional 69 Position. While he’s performing oral on you, knee him in the face. While he’s reeling, knee him in the groin. You: 1, Penis: 0 (utterly destroyed).

Illustration by Carly Monardo

COMMENTS

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  • pinetree

    Misandry is alive and well. Just reverse the genders and ask if it appropriate,

    • Punani Ouanani

      This is a satyre of what porn promotes to do to women’s genitals, UGH

      • Gregy buu

        When does porn promote this type of genital abuse to a vagina?

        • Punani Ouanani

          Ah, sorry, hadn’t realized you’d already been brutally dry focked by a 11 inch cock for 55 minutes, after having waxed and bleached your asshole to oblivion, and slapped your dick a few times, whilst maybe pulling your hair, face fucking your mouth and spanking your arse.

          My bad

          • Fuck Yourself

            Since some women choose to do that, that means it’s mens fault so we should make articles like this and pretend we’re justified.

            Your brain is that of a rodent.

          • Amanda Brown

            Umm.. there are children in the Phillipines who ‘choose’ to get online and take off their clothes on webcams for money– just because you ‘choose’ to do something, especially for money, doesn’t mean its what you actually WANT to do. The abuse of vaginas is a multi-million dollar industry– millions of men pay millions of dollars to see womens vaginas get abused and boy does it turn them on–its not sexy as much as it is sadistic. this is just flipping it around to show the double standard of genital abuse of the opposite sex–ain’t so sexy now is it?

          • Tim Broad

            um well, actually, yes, its still sexy. my girlfriend thinks so too.

          • Tim Broad

            You can fuck my mouth anytime! I love it! Who doesn’t love it?!

          • Dina Strange

            awesome

        • ThomasEarlham

          Been to any mainstream porn sites lately? Descriptions of videos constantly use violent language to describe the action. Seriously, go to pornhub right now and search for “destroy” or “demolish.” Even when the sex involved isn’t necessarily rough, the videos are pitched with these words with the assumption that men will find them appealing.

          By the way, I’m a straight male and I certainly enjoy my porn, but you’d have to be in deep denial to not see this satirical article as relevant.

  • MoDare

    What a phooking kunt. I hope someone puts a broken bottle up your tw@t.

  • jcr52

    And then the man will beat the shit out of the woman.

  • Dennen Hansen

    I am really not getting how folks aren’t picking up on the satire. IT IS A FAKE ARTICLE, YOU FUCKNUT

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  • humann

    no Dennen, this is real. I’ve had my penis destroyed in all of these ways. it always grows back anyway. totally worth it.

    • M Otis Beard

      I get them all over my body. Compound ‘W’ is too slow, and trimming them back with a razor blade doesn’t really help; you have to get a soldering iron and cauterize the root of the thing. You should see the scar I have on my forehead.

      • humann

        wtf are you doing here?! you multi-penis freak you. it must be your outsized liver that’s producing all the extras.

        • M Otis Beard

          I tried to call you so I could explain myself properly, but you seem to have given up cell phones in an attempt to reduce your dysprosium footprint.

          • humann

            actually I’ve been institutionalized in an effort to increase my lithium footprint. no phone, no pool, no pets. if I’m good they might release me in September in time for the salmon run.

          • Dina Strange

            LOL

  • Tom

    As a guy who’s had his penis broken twice, roasted my left testicle, been chewed on so hard and for so long that the head of my big penis took almost 3 months to heal, I’m not too worried by this tame stuff. Is that all you’ve got?

    • Amanda Leigh

      lmao

  • Fliggy

    Oh boy, I sure do love me some domestic abuse!

  • Justaguy

    This is obviously how feminists would have sex with a man, but then, they don’t know how to have sex which is why they are angry feminists with penis envy. :)

  • Evie_L

    Do you write for Cosmo? Nah, this stuff is too tame for Cosmo.

  • Dina Strange

    Raspberry beret is my number of choice. But all of them are good.

  • jajay12

    Imagine a similar article about women… how to effectively destroy her vagina. stick a knife in it. you’d be called out for advocating violence against women. This is absurd.

  • http://makjang-oppa.tumblr.com/ Makjang Oppa

    MRAs who think satire is real. L-O-FUCKING-L

  • John Dugan

    Whether satire or not, the fact is that sometimes a guy does
    get a sore penis from sex – and needs to regularly use a quality penis health
    cream (health professionals recommend Man1 Man Oil) with natural moisturizers
    and antioxidants to attend to the soreness.