Is your relationship on its last legs? Try these seven flirty tips on how to extend the misery just another few, limping, impotent, flirty weeks!
#1 – Pregnancy Scare
What was once your worst-case scenario is now your last chance! Make eyes with him across a crowded room, caress your stomach and mouth, ‘I’m pregnant with your baby.’ Give him a little knowing smile. The intense fear you both feel will leave you feeling hopeful, and maybe even a little sexy – even if you haven’t had sex in over two months!
#2 – Double Date
Horrify your friends who know your relationship is on its last legs by inviting them over for a romantic, shared dinner date. Will that be us? they’ll wonder, as you openly berate each other’s chewing. His dinner binge-drinking will get you three more rounds of impersonal sex that feels less like lovemaking and more like public masturbation.
#3 – Threesome
Two’s a crowd – three’s a party! The shallow, last breaths of any decaying relationship is a PERFECT time to invite a Craigslist rando into your bedroom. Nobody comes, everybody cries! Maybe an iPad gets stolen, which will bring you closer together. You won’t break up for at LEAST another week!
#4 –Bed & Breakfast Getaway
Surely, a long weekend in a romantic destination upstate will force him to avoid that important talk you were meaning to have. Each time the kindly innkeeper asks, “Did he propose yet?” you’ll fall deeper into a state of false hope, and he’ll feel guilted into sticking around until the credit card bill arrives. Sweet escape!!
#5 – Secret Crying
Instead of being honest about your feelings, quietly sneak out of the bedroom and unleash them on the couch while your partner is softly sleeping. Men love mystery – he’ll still have no idea how much he hurt you!
#6 – Long, Long Talks
He wants kids, and you don’t? Prepare him his favorite meal over candlelight, wear something sexy and talk about it for nine hours. This won’t fix the underlying problem, but it will make you completely forget what words are. You’ll feel relieved for about a week, at which time you’ll remember that he can no longer maintain an erection in your presence.
#7 – Butt Stuff
His butt, your butt, any butt! Try incorporating anal play into your rote, passionless sex life. The new kind of pleasure will get you 2-3 more sultry weeks of lying to yourselves and each other. Bend over, stranger-who-lives-with-me!